Week 4/25: Exploring Contrasting Social Frequencies
Chai with Ghai
Welcome to the fourth edition!
Have you experienced this where certain groups bring out the best in you, while your personality seems to dim around others? To put it differently, is it possible that if two different groups of friends were to describe you; their descriptions would vary a lot?
This past weekend, I visited Mumbai and attended the Ed Sheeran concert with friends. After the concert, while brisk walking towards the Uber and still humming his songs, one of my friends said:
“Kanav relax, conserve your energy, and have some water.”
Her suggestion made a lot of sense. After a day with hardly any food, plenty of alcohol, enduring over two hours of traffic, and singing my heart out for another two, I was surprisingly pumped to keep the party going.
On the flip side, there have been numerous occasions during nights out when my friends have called me out for my lack of energy, or how quiet and uninterested I seem. They have a point. I find it hard to fake enjoyment and can appear quite bored.
This put me in deep thought and like most other things, I started looking for patterns that could explain why my energy, confidence, and engagement levels fluctuate so significantly depending on the company I'm with.
Before diving into my observations, I want to acknowledge that they might seem like "excuses" typically used by an introvert or a shy person. To a degree, you might be right. However, my goal here is simply to understand the settings or cultures that bring out my true personality.
Compliments Fuel My Social Energy
As someone who's struggled with overthinking and worked towards managing it, I've realized that I thrive on a certain degree of acknowledgment. It fuels my confidence and unlocks the energy I share in my interactions. This is why I feel most alive around those who value my friendship, offer praise, and confide in me — positive affirmations that ignite my true self.
This might be why I don't see myself as a "guy's guy." It's not so common for guys to get real about feelings or dish out compliments, and that's made it hard for me to feel totally at ease in all-male groups. And yeah, if you know me, you're probably thinking, "But didn't you do five years at an all-boys boarding school? And aren't most of your college buddies guys?"
That's all true, and now that I'm not around those groups as much, I miss it. But looking back, I also see how I kept myself on the safe side, especially since joking around and poking fun at each other is pretty standard in a guys' group. Even though it's all in good fun, it made me build a habit of minimizing actions that could leave me vulnerable to future jokes or criticism — A very risk-free way of carrying on with life.
As I'm writing this, that old habit is creeping back in. I'm thinking, "Should I point out in my newsletter that this is just my experience and might not be the same for other guys? They might have something to say about it later.”
Too bad, no justifications in this chai session.
Fading Personality in Larger Groups
I've noticed another trend: I usually end up taking a backseat in bigger groups. Looking at my current circle of close friends, it almost feels like I was just an acquaintance to most of them after our first few encounters. But why?
It often comes down to the context of those first meetings, which were usually at big parties or in fairly large groups. The reasoning is pretty simple—you need to put in extra work to make connections and get noticed in a crowd. In a way, it feels like competing for attention, a game I struggle to win at. This hesitation holds me back from being my true self.
It's Not Always My Fault
For a long time, I blamed myself for not being great at holding conversations, and I've been working hard to improve over the last couple of years. Despite this, I still find myself struggling in some chats. I used to think it was all down to my lack of social skills leading to dull conversations. But I've started to see that while I'm not the best conversationalist, I'm not the worst.
Lately, I often force myself to be the one to initiate conversations but still find myself in exchanges like these:
Me: "So, are you originally from here?"
Them: "No, I'm from ____ and moved here for ____."
Me: "Oh nice, what do you do for work? Or are you studying?"
Them: "Yeah, I work at ____."
— An example of a recent conversation with a stranger
And then, silence. It's like, "Hello?! What about asking where I'm from or what I do?"
When the effort to keep the conversation flowing feels one-sided, I feel my enthusiasm fade. Suddenly, I'm scrambling in my head for ways to keep the chat alive, but really, it's not entirely on me in these moments.
A reminder to not always blame yourself if you’ve struggled socially!
It's Not About the Length of Friendship
It may be easy to assume that one is likely to feel more awkward or out of place — hence leading to suppressed energy — when around newer groups. On the contrary, recent experiences have proven quite the opposite.
Just last Friday, I was partying with a group of friends I've only recently gotten to know through another friend. I found it incredibly easy to be genuine, without the fear of judgment or making a poor joke (yes, I make many). On the other hand, with people I've known for six to ten years, I've recently struggled to express my true self.
This realization left me puzzled. Perhaps it's because my long-time friends have a fixed image of me. While I've worked hard to evolve and be where I have reached today, the fear that they might see my changes as fake, and that I may potentially revert to my overly cautious self, stops me from fully opening up. So, I find it much easier to just play a passive role.
Do You Relate?
The Mindset That Has Helped Me the Most
While I am very smart to come up with these insightful observations, I've realized that one can't always expect to be in environments that fully allow us to grow. Therefore, I'm sharing the most valuable mindset that has empowered me to stay true to myself without fear of judgment, hate, or criticism, the primary factors that suppress my personality.
This insight also leads us to this week's health hack!
Weekly Health Hack - Only Listen to Achievers
I still recall the first time I had consistently worked out for over a month during my sophomore year at UCLA. I was feeling fantastic until someone my roommate introduced made a comment that knocked my confidence:
“You're looking great, ____; Kanav, you should stop being lazy and work out like him, bro. You're definitely not doing it right.”
That remark hit me hard, and I ended up giving up on the gym altogether.
Fast forward to when I was working a 9 to 5 in Los Angeles and had been regularly exercising for about three months. I would have friends who would so casually say:
“What have you been doing bro? You look worse than before.”
A statement made without much thought, but one that could kill the confidence of an overly self-critical person like myself. This time, however, I chose to brush it off. Now, having maintained my workout routine for two years, I'm grateful that the 2022 Kanav found the resilience to ignore the negativity.
Even today, I face remarks about various aspects of my life — my attire, behavior, physique, etc. However, I ground myself with one critical question:
“Have these people, who are giving me advice or passing comments, achieved what I want?”
Most of the time, the answer is no. Reflecting on it, the real fitness enthusiasts have always encouraged me to persist (shoutout to @flexwithrishab), while criticism has often come from those who spend more time in the sauna than actually working out.
So, the next time someone has something to say about your diet, fitness, or any aspect of your life, remind yourself to ask the same question.
Weekly Non-Stereotypical Song Recommendation
Thank You For Reading!
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Email: kanavghai130@gmail.com
Lovely post. I’ve struggled with similar things in my 20s and 30s. Eventuality as I came to know myself better it all stopped bothering me. My Buddhist practice really helped.