Week 3/25: Understanding Expectation Gaps in Friendships (Ceteris Paribus)
Chai with Ghai
Welcome to the third edition!
For those of you curious about the outcome of the Week 2/25 newsletter poll—whether I indulged in pizza to convince my friend to take a shot—I DID NOT.
Weekly Thought - What Causes Expectation Gaps?
A commonly advocated advice these days suggests keeping low expectations to prevent disappointment. Yet, every time I've tried to simply lower my expectations, it hasn't truly worked out. Initially, I might feel self-sufficient and relieved, but this feeling is usually short-lived—a temporary band-aid that eventually comes off. Despite my efforts to maintain minimal expectations from those around me, I often fall back into the well-known cycle of disappointment.
I also heard about a simple but harsh idea: “Get rid of bad friends who don't live up to your expectations.” I think labeling friends as 'good' or 'bad' is an oversimplification. If someone has remained a friend for a significant period, they likely aren't a 'bad' friend.
Curious to dig deeper, I began exploring the reasons behind the expectation gaps I encountered.
How Does One Escape?
The real insight emerged when I shifted my self-questioning from, “What are you feeling bad about?” to “What actions of mine have contributed to this situation?” This change in outlook led me to conceptualize what I call The Inconvenience Spectrum, a theoretical framework I devised to manage my expectations better.
The Inconvenience Spectrum
At the heart of this concept is the idea that, for the most part, friends are there for you as long as it's convenient for them. However, as the relationship strengthens, the level of inconvenience they're willing to endure—or the amount of convenience they're willing to sacrifice—increases.
This spectrum helps in understanding the varying degrees of effort and sacrifice a friend is willing to make, which in turn, determines the strength of the friendship.
I've been reflecting on whether I am a good friend, especially when it involves going out of my way, be it socially, emotionally, or financially. It struck me that being a good friend feels simpler when it aligns with my convenience.
Let’s attempt an exercise!
Situation - Imagine any one of your friends and consider a simple situation — Your friend requires $50.
Now, answer the following questions to reach the ceiling of your inconvenience spectrum for this friend.
With Ample Savings: You have enough savings to comfortably lend the $50 without impacting your financial stability. (Are you willing to offer this support without hesitation? Y/N)
Facing a Delayed Purchase: You've been saving for a special purchase, and lending out $50 would delay this anticipated expenditure by a month. (Are you ready to postpone your gratification to assist your friend? Y/N)
With Limited Funds: Your account balance is only $100. Lending $50 will significantly reduce your available funds, leaving you with just $50. (Are you prepared to accept this financial constraint to help? Y/N)
When Finding Funds Is Required: You currently don't have $50 to spare but are committed to finding a way to secure the funds to help. (Are you willing to put in the extra effort to gather this amount? Y/N)
Let’s Make it Harder!
How are you holding up so far? If you’ve responded 'yes' to all the previous questions, it’s time to make things trickier. Imagine you're aware your friend needs $50 but, due to embarrassment or pride, they won’t ever ask you for it.
Given this situation, you could argue that not offering help doesn't make you a bad friend, as you were never explicitly asked for assistance.
Now, let’s reanswer those questions:
With Ample Savings: You have enough savings to comfortably lend the $50 without impacting your financial stability. Knowing your friend needs help but won't ask, (Are you going to offer this support on your own? Y/N)
Facing a Delayed Purchase: You've been saving for a special purchase, and lending out $50 would delay this anticipated expenditure by a month. Knowing your friend needs help but won't ask, (Are you going to postpone your gratification to assist your friend? Y/N)
With Limited Funds: Your account balance is only $100. Lending $50 will significantly reduce your available funds, leaving you with just $50. Knowing your friend needs help but won't ask, (Are you going to accept this financial constraint and help without being asked? Y/N)
When Finding Funds Is Required: You currently don't have $50 to spare but are committed to finding a way to secure the funds to help. Knowing your friend needs help but won't ask, (Are you willing to put in the extra effort to gather this amount? Y/N)
I’m not sure about you but reanswering the questions with this new caveat significantly altered my responses. I realized that using the rationale “they didn’t ask, so I wasn’t obligated to offer” is just a convenient excuse. It allowed me to reassure myself as being a supportive friend, under the perception that “I would have helped if only they had asked.” This line of thinking is fundamentally flawed and, frankly, more self-serving.
This exercise isn't about judging the quality of your friendships or labeling yourself as a good or bad friend based on your responses. Instead, its purpose is to explore the strength of your relationship with others and adjust your expectations and efforts accordingly.
The Expectation Gap
In my view, there exists a clear link between the degree of inconvenience we're willing to endure for someone and the strength of our relationship with them. The more inconvenience we are prepared to accept for each other's sake, the stronger our bond tends to be.
Disappointments in friendships often stem from a mismatch in the levels of inconvenience each party is ready to bear. I call this discrepancy between the inconvenience we are willing to bear and what our friend is prepared to reciprocate "The Expectation Gap”.
This gap, illustrated in the accompanying figure, highlights the discord between our 'inconvenience supply' and our friend's, leading to a gap in expectations. The path to resolving this disparity and closing the expectation gap lies in achieving what I call the 'inconvenience equilibrium’.
Closing the Expectation Gap: Seeking Inconvenience Equilibrium
To reach this state of balanced mutual support, I identified two possible approaches:
Lower Your Inconvenience Supply
One strategy to address the expectation gap is by reducing our willingness to endure inconvenience and aligning it with our friend's level of commitment. Although this method effectively narrows the gap between expectations and reality, it's important to note that it does so at the expense of the relationship's depth and strength, as depicted in the provided graph.
Put simply, you opt not to address the imbalance directly with your friend but rather, you scale back your efforts to make the relationship dynamics more manageable. This adjustment, while practical, will probably lead to a weaker form of the relationship, characterized by reduced engagement (as shown in the graph).
Relationship Strength drops from s1 to s2 Increase Your Friend’s Inconvenience Supply
Alternatively, to preserve the depth and strength of your relationship, you could aim to elevate your friend’s willingness to endure inconvenience, thereby aligning it with your own. This approach does not entail lowering your expectations but rather, inspiring your friend to rise to meet them.
The goal is to get your friend to adjust their level of commitment, matching your higher expectations. Successfully achieving this not only closes the expectation gap but does so while maintaining, or even enhancing the strength of the relationship, as illustrated.
Weekly Poll: How Would You Close the Expectation Gap?
The Ceteris Paribus Limitation
It’s important to highlight that this theory is inherently arbitrary and doesn’t account for other factors that can influence relationships. Similar to economic theories, it operates under a 'ceteris paribus' or 'all other things being equal' assumption. This means it simplifies complex human relationships by holding other factors constant to only focus on three factors — inconvenience, relationship strength, and expectations.
Remember this as you analyze this theory, understanding that it could help you adjust expectations but may not capture the full spectrum of your relationships.
Weekly Health Hack - The 9:20 PM (Plate-Macro) Rule
This hack is among my favorites for managing my calorie intake without the hassle of counting them. I picked up this rule from the renowned Jeff Cavaliere, and it's stuck with me due to its simplicity and emphasis on mindfulness over measured effort.
This rule helps in creating a balanced plate with Carbohydrates, Protein, and Fibrous Carbohydrates in specific proportions, guided by the '9:20 pm rule'.
The Rule Explained
When you're serving your meal, imagine your plate as a clock set to 9:20. The arrangement creates three sections on your plate, which should guide the distribution of your food. This visualization makes it easy to ensure a well-balanced meal, focusing on the quality and split of nutrients.
The 9:20 rule helps us split our plate in the following proportions:
Carbohydrates (20% of our plate) - Rice, Pasta, Bread, Sweet Potato, Potato, Tortillas, etc.
Protein (30% of our plate) - Chicken, Eggs, Tofu, Pork, Tempeh, etc.
Fibrous Carbohydrates (Vegetables) (50% of our plate) - Kale, Spinach, Broccoli, Brussel Sprouts, Cauliflower, Bell Peppers, Cucumbers, etc.
Note: Concerned about how to apply this rule to your food delivery habits? No worries, you can still balance your meals with tiny adjustments:
Instead of opting for Pad Thai (which usually comes with minimal protein), try ordering rice with a vegetable and protein-based Thai curry.
When your Mediterranean bowl is heavy on rice, ask for double the protein, and don't finish all the rice.
Can't resist pizza? Limit yourself to 3-4 slices of a meat-topped pizza rather than 6 slices of a Margherita.
For burrito lovers, consider swapping out some of the rice filling for other options.
Even small tweaks like these can significantly impact your diet!
Still confused about Starchy Carbohydrates vs. Fibrous Carbohydrates? Click here for a more detailed explanation.
Weekly Non-Stereotypical Song Recommendation
This week’s song recommendation - Sex, Drugs, Etc. - Beach Weather
Funny story about how I came across this song - In high school, I was a big fan of the band “A Rocket to The Moon.” Though they didn't hit mainstream success and eventually broke up, I kept tabs on their lead singer, Nick Santino. His solo career didn't skyrocket either, but he didn't give up; in 2015, he formed Beach Weather. It took a while, but Beach Weather finally broke through in 2022 with their hit song 'Sex, Drugs, Etc.’ A reminder that persistence eventually pays off!
Thank You For Reading!
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I'd love to hear from you — thoughts, health tips, song recommendations, or anything at all.
Reach out to me!
Email: kanavghai130@gmail.com